The "leaving others behind" guilt

I know we all have some feelings of guilt....being a parent is filled with guilt, right?

I swear that is one of the first things my mom told me after I gave birth to the girls. Her logic/wisdom went something like this: "From this point forward you are going to feel guilty about nearly everything you do or do not do for your children. You will question your decisions constantly. But the best thing you can do is make the decisions to the best of your ability at the time, and not look back or question it later." She was right. I have felt guilty about a lot of things! Some seemingly important, and some not so important.
- Some days I feel guilty that I have to work outside of the home to support my family instead of being able to stay home with my girls and raise them myself...
- Other days I feel guilty that I would actually prefer to work outside of the home to staying home with my crazy toddlers...=)
- Sometimes I feel guilty that as hard as I try, both girls don't get exact equal treatment...
- Often I feel guilty that on my day off with the girls I spend way more time managing them then I do enjoying them...

Sound familiar?

Then there is other, non-toddler related guilt...
- I feel guilty that sometimes I neglect my marriage in favor of spending more time with my children...
- I feel guilty that I have lost touch with several of my friends, especially non-mommy friends...and I don't have the time or energy at this point to work on re-establishing contact...
- I feel guilty that every once in a while I want to think about myself, a massage, shopping, and a pedicure, instead of spending time with my family....

But there is an infertility related guilt that has been eating away at me since I found out I was pregnant with baby #3...the "leaving others behind" guilt.
Let me explain.
Some of you had a long road with IF and fertility treatments on your path to parenthood and you will understand exactly where I am coming from with this. Others of you though didn't have to really try to start your family...getting pregnant and maintaining pregnancy wasn't difficult.
Way back in 2008 after we had tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant "the old fashioned way" for a couple years, we sought out the help of my OB. He decided to try clomid as a first line treatment for infertility. The day I started clomid I sought out support from the online IF (infertility) community. It was AMAZING to find this sort of support. Loads of people in the exact same boat and all with the same goal; to have a baby. I made a lot of close friends on these infertility boards. We went through everything together. We were there for each other through all of the failures, and through the joys as well (although admittedly there were way more failures than successes, and we went through years of treatments together - clomid, IUI's, IVF's). These girls have a piece of my heart forever...literally. I swear they could feel my pain and I could feel theirs...and I still can.

When IVF#2 worked for us and we were finally able to maintain a pregnancy (instead of miscarrying AGAIN) I felt relieved, yet incredibly guilty. What about my IF ladies???? I knew how much it hurt for someone to announce a pregnancy...I remember how much it hurt to hear people talk about (and especially complain about) being pregnant....I remember crying every time I got invited to a baby shower and trying desperately to come up with some excuse why I couldn't go. I never wanted to hurt people the way that I had been (unintentionally) hurt.

I have two people close to my heart that started trying to concieve very close to the same time we started trying to concieve, and who are still trying. They have both had multiple miscarriages and no live births.
When we got pregnant with the girls, I felt we "deserved" it. We had been through years of heartache and tears....maxed out credit cards, more tests on my lady bits than anyone should ever have to endure, hundreds of shots, piles of blood draws, multiple surgeries, probably 50 ultrasounds....it was my turn to have a successful pregnancy and a take home baby.

But this time?
No.

We thought we were probably done having kiddos.
Really.
We were perfectly happy with our girls.
We had no intention of using our frozen embryos...I mean, we had considered MAYBE in 5 years trying a FET...but really, we were happy just the way we were. We spent so much time thinking that we may not be able to have any kids. We would have been thrilled to have just one. But two? And absolute blessing from God! How perfect!

But this? Baby #3? We weren't even trying....
Our girls are still little....
Why us?
Why now?
Why not Catherine? Why not Mo? Why not one of my friends that had decided to go the adoption route and has been patiently waiting for YEARS to get their baby? They have been waiting SO long. It is their turn. It broke my heart to post that I was pregnant. Literally. That's why it took me a while into my pregnancy to post. I didn't want to offend anyone. I didn't want to be THAT girl....
Yet that seems to be exactly what I am....
And I feel SO guilty...
Mommas with a "natural" pregnancy after infertility, or any pregnancy after infertility, is this normal? Anyone have any insight???

I know I don't like it one bit. I want to enjoy being pregnant. I want to show it proudly. Instead, I spend more time trying to hide it than anything, almost like I am ashamed. But I shouldn't be ashamed. I have nothing to be ashamed of. What am I doing wrong that is making me feel this way? Why can't I move on and live my own life?

Sigh....
So this is my guilt...sorry for the long and heavy post....I needed to say it though and get it out...it has been eating away at me for months.

On a happier note, the girlies are cute as ever! 14 months is SUCH a fun age!! I love it! And they are loving this Christmas chaos...the tree, the presents, the sparkling lights...their eyes just light up. It's precious! I just want to bottle them up and store them for later! I love their innocence =)

A picture of Daddy and Livvy

A picture of Brianna

I love them so much!!

Anyway, I hope you all are well and are ready for a fabulous Christmas! I know we are!

Until next time-
Megan