Valentines 2015

Valentines 2015

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's back to work I go....

Sorry if you are singing the rest of the song! Naturally it's one of those annoying songs that once you get it in your head you can't get it bad....=)

So last Monday I went back to work "full-time". Little man was a day shy of 8 weeks old.  It was excruciatingly awful to be back to work. I have no idea why this time was so different.  With the girls I went back part time at 10 weeks and full time at 12 weeks, but I was begging to go back to work with the girls. I needed some time to myself.  I wanted to feel like I was something other than "the twin's mom". I had worked really hard to get to where I was in my career (ha - like I didn't for my girls?!), and I felt that I was needed at my job.  I wanted to be there.  I needed to be there.

Then, a week before the girls turned 1, I found out I was pregnant with baby Hudson.  I knew that my (job) contract would be ending in May/June of 2012, and I found it odd how we just "happened" to get pregnant and be expecting a baby right around that time.  "Great" (read, sarcastic great) was my thought at the time - how on earth am I going to find a new job if I'm pregnant?! No one hires pregnant chicks.

And on some level, I was right.  Before I went on maternity leave, there was absolutely no guarantee that I would have a job to come back to.  I had spoken with the head of my department, and I knew what position(s) were coming open, and where they wanted to put me, but I was unsure if that was the right move for me.

2 weeks after little man was born, the position posted externally, and I applied.

Flash back to last week again.  Excruciating, remember? Ugh, it was. It still is! I hated being away from my little guy! HATED it.  And he hated being away from me.  He was fussier, didn't eat as well, and was a momma magnet the second I got home. I ended up taking last Friday off because I just couldn't bring myself to put him down that morning and get in the shower so I could go in to work.  I missed him too much.

But was I coming in to work anyway?  Did I still have a job, or not, or what? Well, the department had found a way to continue my funding until the end of September while they worked with me to find a different job within the VA.  Tuesday I interviewed for the job they wanted me to fill.  It took a lot to even get to the point where they could interview me...lots and lots of hoops had be jumped through by both myself and the department...a lot of things had to fall perfectly into place....and I have one more hoop to climb through next Tuesday.  But...after next Tuesday they intend to offer me the position.  I have a very short period of time after Tuesday to decide whether or not to accept the position.  However, they made it clear that if I don't accept the position, my funding will end September 30th, 2012.  No exceptions.

We can't afford to live on Si's salary.  No way.   I'm the breadwinner.  And this is a step up, both in title and in pay.  A logical next step in my career.  And a permanent position within the VA.  And in research, in the VA, permanent positions are next to impossible to come by. This is a very good offer.

But my heart sank a little when they told me they would be offering me the position.

I miss my baby already.  I miss my girls too. They are amazing, and fun, and are learning new things at warp speed.

I will be required to go from 4 work days to 5 work days each week (it's a management/supervisory position).  The hours of work each day will lessen, but I will be out of the house, at work, 5 days each week instead of 4.

I don't know if I can do it.

Wait.  I have to do it.  I don't have a choice.

I was praying for an opportunity like this.

I don't want to be out of a job, not be able to pay my mortgage, or car payment, or bills, do I?

But I also don't want to miss my children growing up.

My girls are almost 2! 2 YEARS OLD!

They will likely be starting Montessori next year, then "real" school 2 years after that.

The time I could be spending at home with them is quickly disappearing.

Little man is 2 months old already.  Already trying to show me that he wants to be independent.  All I can think is "Please little man, don't grow up this fast.  Stay little just a little bit longer.  Please? Please?!"

Seriously, don't blink, you will miss something.

I fear that if I take this job, I will miss a lot of somethings.  Somethings like this, from impromptu trip to the zoo with one of our other multiples friends....

Or this...a Wednesday afternoon/evening birthday party at Coco Key...and Hudson's first time in the swimming pool....

I have to take this job.  I have to.  We can't survive without it.

Why does it suck so much to be a momma sometimes?

50 years ago it wouldn't have been a question where I would have been.  Then again, 50 years ago, we wouldn't have had the technology to get me pregnant in the first place....sigh....

Thoughts from my bloggy friends? Have you been here?  How did you make your decisions?  What made you feel better about your decisions?  Anything???

I hate feeling this way....Trapped.  Out of options.  Heartbroken. Oye vey!

Until next time -


  1. ohhh, i totally know how you feel! i just recently started the SAHM gig...but before that, I had to work or we didn't have insurance. it was a hard balance for me. I felt so guilty. And it's hard to balance housework/spending time with the kids when you're off.

    i don't have any really good advice, just don't stress about little things like a clean house and laundry. it doesn't matter as much as snuggling your babies on your days off.

  2. Oh sweetie, I ache for you and I applaud your honesty. These days it's like moms that work outside the home need to be bashful when talking about all the emotions that go with it. I went back to work when the twins were 5 months and it wasn't a difficult decision. I'm a third generation work outside the home mom so my mindset has always been that it's doable. Plus I look at the 3 generations of kids born to WOHM in my family and they turned out pretty good. That helps me deal with my guilt when I question my decision. It's more the quality of the time I spend with the kids vs the quantity. Seriously.
    Speaking of quality, it means I have to find the extra imagination and energy to do things with the kids before & after work. Impromptu trips to the park, mall, picnics etc.
    I do wish I worked less hours but overall, I want my girls to see my choices as an example that you can be a good mother REGARDLESS of the work and lifestyle choices you make. It's not easy girl, but we keep on keeping on

  3. I felt the need to respond to this post because I was where you are about 6 months ago. It is hard but I know when you've had past conversations about working vs. staying at home you were strong minded about the working part. I hope you don't mind me asking but is this your last child? The reason I ask you is that my 3rd was my last and made it hard for me to be away. As I've told you before 3 kids is the game changer which I'm sure you're starting to see. Keep in mind that you are balancing a lot. I know you have a maid but that doesn't take from there things that need to be done in the house. I'm sure it's also hard for you because you'll also have to work 5 days vs. 4. That extra day off allowed you an extra day at home to take care of various things and spending some more time with the girls. I also understand "having" to work vs. wanting to work. It makes everyday hard. You can take whatever I've said with a grain of salt but one thing I would like you to remember is that you are doing a great job. NO matter if you have to work or are doing a GREAT job.

  4. I don't have much of anything to contribute, but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Being a mama can be very hard...big, hard decisions every day...but you love your family without fault, and that counts for a heck of a lot. Hugs to you as you work through what is the best decision for your family. :)

  5. I completely know how you feel. I have to work too and it sucks and I'm dreading going throught the ups and downs again of being at home and in love with a baby and then back to work out of obligation. Bleck. Crappy! Hang in there!

  6. No further advice to offer you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone!! I'm in a very similar situation where it's my income we rely on most to supplement the DH's income - not really a choice. It makes going to work hard everyday but it also makes my time with my baby boys (wait, they just turned 2, so maybe they're not really babies anymore) that much more special.

    Hang in there & make the decision that works for your family.

  7. I am a you know and I do love being at home with the kids but I also struggle with the whole "I wanna work and have an additional identity to that of a "mom"" It can suck either way, on either side but we do what we have to do to survive. (It makes no sense for me to go back to work because over 1/2 of what I would make would go to childcare. I'm. Not. The. Breadwinner. LMAO!)

    Thinking of you!!!

  8. It's hard to believe but this week will mark two years since I left the babies and went back to work (after 12 weeks of maternity leave). While I often think of what it might be like to stay home, we have adjusted (granted, we don't have a newborn/infant like you). You can do it! And your kiddos will thrive. If anything, it makes me appreciate the time I do have with them more.

  9. oh wow - I'm reading this nodding in agreement over and over...I feel the same way about my job and leaving my fun, vibrant two year old boys ( and I don't have a baby in addition!)!! It is so hard and completely stinks and my hubby is so sick of hearing me complain about it ... so, now I'm doing so in this comment on your blog. ha!! Thinking of you and so thankful I happened upon your blog! Thanks for your kind words on my guest post on Krystle's blog :-)

  10. I know you'll do great at whatever you do. Take it day by day.

  11. Oh Megan you poor thing, you seem so torn at the moment and I don't blame you one bit!! I cannot offer you any advice, I am a sahm and haven't worked in a paid job since 2000. You have made some very valid points of why you need to work, and you like the job too by the sounds of it. But understandably you are going to miss your adorable babies too :( I hope you have peace in your heart soon, making a decision like this would be so very hard. Just remember that you are doing what is best for them at the moment, finacially, and they will love you no less for it xoxo


Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!