Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's back to work I go....

Sorry if you are singing the rest of the song! Naturally it's one of those annoying songs that once you get it in your head you can't get it out...my bad....=)

So last Monday I went back to work "full-time". Little man was a day shy of 8 weeks old.  It was excruciatingly awful to be back to work. I have no idea why this time was so different.  With the girls I went back part time at 10 weeks and full time at 12 weeks, but I was begging to go back to work with the girls. I needed some time to myself.  I wanted to feel like I was something other than "the twin's mom". I had worked really hard to get to where I was in my career (ha - like I didn't for my girls?!), and I felt that I was needed at my job.  I wanted to be there.  I needed to be there.

Then, a week before the girls turned 1, I found out I was pregnant with baby Hudson.  I knew that my (job) contract would be ending in May/June of 2012, and I found it odd how we just "happened" to get pregnant and be expecting a baby right around that time.  "Great" (read, sarcastic great) was my thought at the time - how on earth am I going to find a new job if I'm pregnant?! No one hires pregnant chicks.

And on some level, I was right.  Before I went on maternity leave, there was absolutely no guarantee that I would have a job to come back to.  I had spoken with the head of my department, and I knew what position(s) were coming open, and where they wanted to put me, but I was unsure if that was the right move for me.

2 weeks after little man was born, the position posted externally, and I applied.

Flash back to last week again.  Excruciating, remember? Ugh, it was. It still is! I hated being away from my little guy! HATED it.  And he hated being away from me.  He was fussier, didn't eat as well, and was a momma magnet the second I got home. I ended up taking last Friday off because I just couldn't bring myself to put him down that morning and get in the shower so I could go in to work.  I missed him too much.

But wait...how was I coming in to work anyway?  Did I still have a job, or not, or what? Well, the department had found a way to continue my funding until the end of September while they worked with me to find a different job within the VA.  Tuesday I interviewed for the job they wanted me to fill.  It took a lot to even get to the point where they could interview me...lots and lots of hoops had be jumped through by both myself and the department...a lot of things had to fall perfectly into place....and I have one more hoop to climb through next Tuesday.  But...after next Tuesday they intend to offer me the position.  I have a very short period of time after Tuesday to decide whether or not to accept the position.  However, they made it clear that if I don't accept the position, my funding will end September 30th, 2012.  No exceptions.

We can't afford to live on Si's salary.  No way.   I'm the breadwinner.  And this is a step up, both in title and in pay.  A logical next step in my career.  And a permanent position within the VA.  And in research, in the VA, permanent positions are next to impossible to come by. This is a very good offer.

But my heart sank a little when they told me they would be offering me the position.

I miss my baby already.  I miss my girls too. They are amazing, and fun, and are learning new things at warp speed.

I will be required to go from 4 work days to 5 work days each week (it's a management/supervisory position).  The hours of work each day will lessen, but I will be out of the house, at work, 5 days each week instead of 4.

I don't know if I can do it.

Wait.  I have to do it.  I don't have a choice.

I was praying for an opportunity like this.

I don't want to be out of a job, not be able to pay my mortgage, or car payment, or bills, do I?

But I also don't want to miss my children growing up.

My girls are almost 2! 2 YEARS OLD!

They will likely be starting Montessori next year, then "real" school 2 years after that.

The time I could be spending at home with them is quickly disappearing.

Little man is 2 months old already.  Already trying to show me that he wants to be independent.  All I can think is "Please little man, don't grow up this fast.  Stay little just a little bit longer.  Please? Please?!"

Seriously, don't blink, you will miss something.

I fear that if I take this job, I will miss a lot of somethings.  Somethings like this, from yesterday....an impromptu trip to the zoo with one of our other multiples friends....

Or this...a Wednesday afternoon/evening birthday party at Coco Key...and Hudson's first time in the swimming pool....

I have to take this job.  I have to.  We can't survive without it.

Why does it suck so much to be a momma sometimes?

50 years ago it wouldn't have been a question where I would have been.  Then again, 50 years ago, we wouldn't have had the technology to get me pregnant in the first place....sigh....

Thoughts from my bloggy friends? Have you been here?  How did you make your decisions?  What made you feel better about your decisions?  Anything???

I hate feeling this way....Trapped.  Out of options.  Heartbroken. Oye vey!

Until next time -
Megan