Guest posting on Olusola's blog!

I'm silly...I forgot to mention that I was doing a guest post over on Olusola's blog this week ...and its already been posted for two days! Oops! If you haven't already, bebop over and check it out! It's my personal story of breastfeeding my twins =). 

Thanks Olusola for having me!

Megan

'One Word' Wordless Wednesday =)

JOY

(It is Waffle Cone Wednesday.  What could possibly be more joyous for a toddler than their very own overstuffed ice cream cone?!?!)

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's back to work I go....

Sorry if you are singing the rest of the song! Naturally it's one of those annoying songs that once you get it in your head you can't get it out...my bad....=)

So last Monday I went back to work "full-time". Little man was a day shy of 8 weeks old.  It was excruciatingly awful to be back to work. I have no idea why this time was so different.  With the girls I went back part time at 10 weeks and full time at 12 weeks, but I was begging to go back to work with the girls. I needed some time to myself.  I wanted to feel like I was something other than "the twin's mom". I had worked really hard to get to where I was in my career (ha - like I didn't for my girls?!), and I felt that I was needed at my job.  I wanted to be there.  I needed to be there.

Then, a week before the girls turned 1, I found out I was pregnant with baby Hudson.  I knew that my (job) contract would be ending in May/June of 2012, and I found it odd how we just "happened" to get pregnant and be expecting a baby right around that time.  "Great" (read, sarcastic great) was my thought at the time - how on earth am I going to find a new job if I'm pregnant?! No one hires pregnant chicks.

And on some level, I was right.  Before I went on maternity leave, there was absolutely no guarantee that I would have a job to come back to.  I had spoken with the head of my department, and I knew what position(s) were coming open, and where they wanted to put me, but I was unsure if that was the right move for me.

2 weeks after little man was born, the position posted externally, and I applied.

Flash back to last week again.  Excruciating, remember? Ugh, it was. It still is! I hated being away from my little guy! HATED it.  And he hated being away from me.  He was fussier, didn't eat as well, and was a momma magnet the second I got home. I ended up taking last Friday off because I just couldn't bring myself to put him down that morning and get in the shower so I could go in to work.  I missed him too much.

But wait...how was I coming in to work anyway?  Did I still have a job, or not, or what? Well, the department had found a way to continue my funding until the end of September while they worked with me to find a different job within the VA.  Tuesday I interviewed for the job they wanted me to fill.  It took a lot to even get to the point where they could interview me...lots and lots of hoops had be jumped through by both myself and the department...a lot of things had to fall perfectly into place....and I have one more hoop to climb through next Tuesday.  But...after next Tuesday they intend to offer me the position.  I have a very short period of time after Tuesday to decide whether or not to accept the position.  However, they made it clear that if I don't accept the position, my funding will end September 30th, 2012.  No exceptions.

We can't afford to live on Si's salary.  No way.   I'm the breadwinner.  And this is a step up, both in title and in pay.  A logical next step in my career.  And a permanent position within the VA.  And in research, in the VA, permanent positions are next to impossible to come by. This is a very good offer.

But my heart sank a little when they told me they would be offering me the position.

I miss my baby already.  I miss my girls too. They are amazing, and fun, and are learning new things at warp speed.

I will be required to go from 4 work days to 5 work days each week (it's a management/supervisory position).  The hours of work each day will lessen, but I will be out of the house, at work, 5 days each week instead of 4.

I don't know if I can do it.

Wait.  I have to do it.  I don't have a choice.

I was praying for an opportunity like this.

I don't want to be out of a job, not be able to pay my mortgage, or car payment, or bills, do I?

But I also don't want to miss my children growing up.

My girls are almost 2! 2 YEARS OLD!

They will likely be starting Montessori next year, then "real" school 2 years after that.

The time I could be spending at home with them is quickly disappearing.

Little man is 2 months old already.  Already trying to show me that he wants to be independent.  All I can think is "Please little man, don't grow up this fast.  Stay little just a little bit longer.  Please? Please?!"

Seriously, don't blink, you will miss something.

I fear that if I take this job, I will miss a lot of somethings.  Somethings like this, from yesterday....an impromptu trip to the zoo with one of our other multiples friends....

Or this...a Wednesday afternoon/evening birthday party at Coco Key...and Hudson's first time in the swimming pool....

I have to take this job.  I have to.  We can't survive without it.

Why does it suck so much to be a momma sometimes?

50 years ago it wouldn't have been a question where I would have been.  Then again, 50 years ago, we wouldn't have had the technology to get me pregnant in the first place....sigh....

Thoughts from my bloggy friends? Have you been here?  How did you make your decisions?  What made you feel better about your decisions?  Anything???

I hate feeling this way....Trapped.  Out of options.  Heartbroken. Oye vey!

Until next time -
Megan

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Can't I just bottle him up and keep him like this? 
You blink and you miss it....

Twin Tuesday: Would you do it over again???

I borrowed this question from Pam's blog, and the more I've thought about it the more I have decided it's a ridiculously loaded question!

You all know our story already; we worked really hard to get our girls here, and we couldn't possibly imagine life without them.

When they were born, to hear each of their individual cries while I was laying on the operating table was nothing short of breathtaking.

To hear them giggle at each other when they are playing together is priceless.

To hear them chatting back and forth in their very own "twin language" is amazing.
To see them play (and get into mischief) together and enjoy each others company makes my heart smile =).

They are so very different, yet somehow the same. I love watching them play and interact with each other, and its nice to know that they will always have each other, sisters, and best friends (and honestly, best enemies at the same time).  They learn something new every day and it is amazing to watch them learn and explore together.

On the flip side, I remember how HARD it was to raise infant twins! The seemingly constant nursing, the sleep deprivation, the fussing (especially when both were fussing at the same time), the poopy diapers (naturally), the laundry. I remember how much energy I used to have before we had twins.  I remember how much more of a social life I had before we had twins.  I remember how much more time Si and I had to spend with each other before we had twins.

SO...If we could choose to have twins over again (as opposed to a singleton, or perhaps all together), would we?

YUP.

In all honesty, I'm a bit sad that my little man isn't going to have a built in best friend (and enemy) like the girls do!

Now don't get me wrong - I am LOVING nursing one baby.  I am loving cuddling one baby.  I am loving caring for one baby. I feel SO bonded to him. Having one baby is significantly easier than having two. In fact, there isn't much for Si to do with Mr. Hudson because honestly, I can easily do it all.  And that makes me sad.  Si was so involved with the girls - we each took a girl - I took Brianna and he took Olivia.  If Bri got up in the night, I was on.  If Livvy got up in the night, he was on.  Livvy didn't enjoy breastfeeding much, so if she needed fed, Si fed her a breast milk bottle while I nursed Bri.  We nearly split everything 50/50.  I loved it.  We had a very distinct appreciation for each other. We shared the load.  And not that we don't appreciate each other now - we've been there, done that - but I almost feel like he's missing out on some of the parenting of little Hudson, simply because there is only one of him.  He has taken over most of the parenting of the girls over the last 7 weeks, and I have taken over everything with Hudson.  It's not a bad thing by any means, it's just different.  =)

And a side note - in case you were curious - I do not think that twins are twice as hard as a singleton. Twins are probably more like 1 &1/2 times the work of one baby.  I mean, you already have to nurse/feed one, so it isn't "twice as hard" to feed two.  Twice as time consuming perhaps (unless you are tandem feeding or double fisting it with bottle feedings), but not twice the work.  Same with laundry, baths, changing diapers....you already are having to do it, so having to do it for two kids isn't twice as hard....in my opinion anyway =).

So back to the question, YES, I definitely think we would do it over again.

Would we want to have twins again right now?  Um, NO.  I think we are good with 3 children under the age of 2 at this point!  But we are so thrilled that we were given the opportunity to parent twins.  Oh! And I almost forgot! I'm excited to welcome one of my bestest friends Lisa to the twins club as well - she is currently 14-ish weeks pregnant with fraternal twins - and I couldn't be more excited for her!!!  I can't wait to snuggle her little peanuts! She is due January 31st. I'm so excited to meet them!

So, now it's your turn to answer the question!
Would YOU do it over again?  Why or why not?
I'm excited to see what your thoughts are!!

Until next time -
Megan