I don't want to do it...do I?

I'm jumping back into an old debate I have with myself....working outside of the home vs. being a stay at home mom.

I have been asked multiple times recently, now that we are expecting baby #3, if I am planning on staying home to raise our kiddos. My initial response has been "3 children under the age of 2 - ARE YOU NUTS?!". I ususally elaborate a bit and explain that I really don't have the burning desire to stay home with three small children. That I feel like it would be more stressful to me than enjoyable. Plus, we have an awesome nanny who the girls love, and who I think Baby C will love just as much. And I have a good job (for now), which I like, and I feel good about.

But I think maybe I am having a hard time articulating how I really feel...and really, I have to question, do I even have a good basis with which to make this decision?

That, I just don't know.

I will start at the beginning. I thought it would be hard to go back to work after having the girls. And it was. But it wasn't incredibly hard for me. In fact, I enjoyed not being cooped up in the house all day long and being able to be in the presence of other adults with whom I could talk to about things other than poopy diapers, reflux, and how much milk I'd pumped or the girls drank that day. It was refreshing. I felt like I was needed. And not that I didn't feel like I was needed at home, I did! But I felt like I was needed SO much that I was slowly suffocating. Nursing and pumping and burping and changing diapers seemed like a constant activity with absolutely no down time. When I was at home I had to make the concious decision of whether or not I would like to take a 30 minute nap because after being up most of the night both girls happened to fall asleep at the same time, or whether I would like to shower for the first time in several days.

Once I was at work, I had time to eat lunch! To pump! To respond to emails (work of course, but responding to ANY emails at that point was a major success)! To talk to other adults! And I loved it. Thrived on it.

I work 4 - 10 hour days and have every Wednesday off with my girls. I love my Wednesday's off with my girls, but I have to admit, they can be a little chaotic. Most of my time is spent trying to do dishes, throw in a load or fold a load (or 10) of laundry, picking up tupperware off the kitchen floor for the 17th time, making breakfast and lunch, putting toys back into the toy chests, going to the grocery store, reading reading and more reading, pick me up, put me down, vacuum the floors, scrub the toilet...the list goes on and on (as you all can relate to I'm sure =)). I spend a very decent amount of time on Wednesday's managing my girls and a pretty small amount of time enjoying them. By 5 PM I am absolutely exhausted. I can't imagine doing that day in and day out! And then considering the whole thing again while adding in a third child?! Eek! With what time?!

I have spoken with my mom about this several times and she has explained every time that when you are a SAHM that you have all week to get done the things that I am trying to fit into one day. That when you stay home with your kids it isn't stressful every day because you aren't constantly rushing around trying to get things done. Things slow down. You slow down.
One example my mom used was: you don't have to find time to nurse your baby and find time to pump because your baby is there with you. When he is hungry, nurse him. There is no reason for you to pump afterwards. And the girls can be right there with you - building with blocks, reading books, etc. - while you nurse. They won't be alienated during the process.
"When you stay home with your children you will have more of an opportunity to enjoy what you have in front of you."
It sounds lovely, doesn't it?

And I want to believe her, I do.

But I just can't see it. It sounds like a fairy tale land to me. My perspective must be skewed. (Maybe from having twins?) I am a working momma who is always busy and rushes all day to get everything done, and I really can't relate to what it may be like to be a SAHM.

Here's an example of my inability to relate. Feel free to clue me in, because I feel like I am quite clueless...

The girls and I attended a MoM's playgroup last week (during the day) at PE 101. They loved it. I loved it. There were a ton of other MoM's there with their kids, and I am quite sure that every one of them were SAHM's. I decided after our play group that I was going to set up some play groups at PE 101 - one in the evenings so the working mommies and/or daddies could come too, and one in the daytime primarily for the SAHM's. I thought that the SAHM's would probably jump on the opportunity to do both a day time and an evening play group (weeks apart, and at a time when the daddies could come along too)...but generally speaking, they didn't.

I was perplexed.

I didn't understand at all. I have the girls 100% to myself once a week (and of course I'm home on the weekends too), and sure, we will go to playgroups if they fall on the day I am off or if they are somewhere I REALLY want to go, but otherwise, we are all for evening and weekend playgroups where BOTH of us can go. Equal parenting.
Some SAHM's shared that sentiment, but others did not. Nope, several responded they would only do play groups during the day, not in the evenings.

But why? Is that time the SAHM's "time off" (if there was such a thing)? Their "break" from their kids now that daddy is home? A chance to have some time alone? I really have no clue.

From my perspective, I am thinking - shouldn't the daddies get to be involved in the fun stuff too? Shouldn't they get to play and have fun with their kiddos outside the home? Do only the mommas get to do the fun stuff with their kids?

I think perhaps I am a bit niave to how the world works in the life of a SAHM. I mean, I know we all have a different family dynamic, and we all parent differently, because we all do. But are things SO different to a SAHM that I can't even really understand where they are coming from or what their life is like on a day to day basis?

And then one step further...if I can't relate to a SAHM, how can I be sure that I don't want to be one??? Do I want to be one?

So tell me...what is your life like as a SAHM? What is your life like as a working momma? Do you share my sentiments? Or are your thoughts totally different? Can you share them with me? Thanks!!!

Until next time -
Megan

Harder than I thought. . .

The first 4 weeks or so with twin babies was hard. I hate to admit it, especially after all we had to go through to get these little munchkins here, but there were several times during that period that I wished I could go back to work. My thought process was that everything would be back to "normal" if I went back to work instead of being the resident milk cow and mommy 24 hours a day 7 days a week - which is SO very hard. I enjoyed being mommy to the girls, but it was exhausting, and I really felt like I lost every ounce of who I was during that time period (I never left the house, didn't get any sleep, etc.). Since then it has gotten much better. The feedings have been further apart. I have learned to pump and feed the the girls what I pump instead of breastfeeding every time they needed to eat. They have been sleeping more at night, and have been taking longer naps during the day. They have started cooing to communicate. They have started to smile =). I am comfortable taking them out in public by myself. I REALLY enjoy being with them ALL the time.

Well, I started back to work last week. Part time. 2 ten hour days. WOW is all I have to say. I go to full time next week. I will be working 4 ten hour days. People told me that it would be hard to go back to work, but I seriously underestimated how HARD it would be to leave the girlies every day. I mean WOW. I miss them SOOOO much when I'm gone. And they don't even realize that I'm gone right now - they are still too little to comprehend what is going on. It's only going to get worse. What am I going to do when they can look at me and say "Mommy, I don't want you to go"??? UGH. Not looking forward to that day.

I am very very lucky to have an understanding boss that is letting me work 4 - 10 hour days as opposed to 5- 8 hour days. That gives me a whole extra day home with my girlies, and an extra day that I don't need to pay the nanny to stay with the girls. Don't get me wrong - we have a great setup. My dad (Papa Ken as he is passionately being referred to) is staying with the girlies 1-2 days a week depending on his schedule, and we have a friend who is in college who is nannying for us for the remaining 2-3 days per week. The girls don't have to leave the house at all, and we are very blessed to have wonderful people to watch them when mommy and daddy aren't around. But it still isn't the same. It's not me at home with the girls. And even though I thought it wouldn't bother me all that much to go back to work, it is.

Unfortunately we don't have the option at this point for me to stay home with the girls. Si recently took a different job with a decent pay increase, but it still isn't enough to make ends meet if I stayed home. I am the breadwinner, and I guess this is one of the negatives of being in that role. Sigh. Grandma Pat will be eligible for retirement in a couple of years, so maybe she will want to stay home and watch the girlies. Or maybe Si really will be able to start his own business and I can stay home and work for him. Only time will tell. All I know for now is that everything happens for a reason. While I was very worried about daycare while I was pregnant with the girlies, I had faith that God would show us the path we were supposed to take with them. Boom - Grandpa and nanny Whit and 4 -10 hour days. Awesome.

Next on our list - we need a minivan. I really want a 4WD Toyota Sienna. . .but we can't afford the $40K price tag for a new one, and that's really what we would need to buy to get the payments where we need them and a good interest rate. My grandparents have a Town and Country Touring and they LOVE it, so we are looking at that. It's not 4WD though, and we do live in Nebraska and the winters here can be nasty and can make 4WD a necessity. Right now we have a 4WD Ford Escape and I love it. . .it just doesn't have enough room for the girls AND all their stuff, and there's no room for the pugs. We must have room for the pugs. They travel with us all the time when we go out of town. Since the girls have been born we simply haven't gone out of town because there isn't enough room in the Escape. Sigh. A minivan. I never wanted a minivan. Si still doesn't want a minivan. Does anyone have any insight on what minivan would be best for a decent price, or what SUV you have if you have multiples, and if it has enough room for everything? We don't have 3rd row seating and I wonder if that would be enough and then we could stay in the realm of SUV's. I think if you have 3rs row seating though you don't have the extra storage space in the back for all of the stuff that goes along with babies. . .well, unless you have a Tahoe or something. But I digress. . .let me know if you have any insight.

What else is going on? Oh, well, miss Olivia is sleeping through the night without waking up for a feed EVERY NIGHT. Every night! Or at least every night for the last 10 days. It's great. Brianna did really well for about 4 days, going to bed at 10 or so and waking up at 4 or 5 AM to eat then going right back to sleep, but the last several days have been totally different. Not going to bed until Midnight, up at 4 or 5 and NOT going back to sleep. Boo. I'm back to work now - didn't she get the memo?! Momma needs her sleep too! And then if she doesn't sleep she is a bear for grandpa in the morning. Come on kiddo! Take a lesson from your sister =). LOL. Actually we know how lucky we are to have twins sleeping essentially through the night at 12 weeks. Bri has just had a couple of slip ups is all. More often than not she makes it through the night. And it is WONDERFUL. I forgot how great it was to sleep. It's glorious. Thank you CIO (cry it out) and sleep training.

During the day we are doing Eat, Play, Sleep cycles and that seems to be going pretty well too. The girls are actually really good and relatively easy babies. It makes life a lot easier =). And it will make life easier for the nanny too. And a happy nanny and happy babies lead to a happy mommy and daddy too. YAY. I will keep you guys updated with how everything goes next week when I am back to work full time. Yikes.

I will leave you with some pictures of the girlies. They can hold their heads up totally on their own now. It's amazing when they learn to do something new! The next thing I expect them to do? Roll over. It's coming. . .any day now!

Here's a pic of momma and the girlies from the other day =)

And here's a pic of me and the girls too, but this is more me proving to people who doubted me that this really can be done! I am simultaneously feeding both babies. . .it's much easier now that they have more neck control. I've also noticed that since I am gone all day and pump during the day that I am dead set on breast feeding while I am at home with them. It's my special time with them, and I love it. =)

Here's a pic of the girls from today - hanging out in their boppies next to each other. Both are smiling, although you can't tell as much from Bri (on the right). She's still perfecting the perfect smile, and she hasn't mastered holding it for more than a second- which is never the second I am flashing the camera of course =)

And here's a pic of the girls out cold in their car seats. If you need them to sleep, stick them in the car seats and drive around for 10 minutes=). They usually wake up pretty soon after we get back home and out of the car, but sometimes a cat nap is all they need to feel refreshed and not quite so cranky=).

Okay, that's all for now! Hope you all are doing well - and as always - comments are welcome =).