Easy.
Sleep deprivation.
100% all day long going going going.
Teething.
Breastfeeding. . .and pumping. . .and breastfeeding. . .and pumping. . .constantly.
Stress.
Nonstop babies. One of them ALWAYS needs something, and if they don't, then the dishes need to be done, the kitty litter needs scooped, clothes need washed, the floors need scrubbed. And we do let those items go for as long as we can, but we have to keep the house sanitary!! We have two pugs and a cat - it's a pretty hairy household if we don't clean at least once a week.
Me feeling the need to "keep score" and expect everything to be equal. . .I take the girls shopping with me and give him some alone time and I expect to be able to cash my alone time card in later. But I can't! I'm breastfeeding. . .I have to be available to pump or feed every 3 hours. . .a spa day is out for me. . .
Zero intimacy.
Zero romance.
Zero sex.
Yup, I went there.
And I did so because I know I'm not alone. I don't feel comfortable in my post pregnancy body. YET anyway. I feel fat. And I definitely don't feel sexy. Si assures me that I am sexy, and he loves me regardless (so sweet!), but I am having a really hard time getting past what I look like. And that's not all of it. I have a new identity now. I am no longer the sexy wife. . .I am the mommy. Okay, and how do you get past thinking about your babies that are downstairs while you are trying to be intimate upstairs? It's hard. I haven't mastered it yet.
So how do we solve this problem?
We haven't been out "on a date" since before the girls were born. If we do go out, either the girls are with us and/or other people (family or friends) are with us. We never have time to just be. So, we have decided to have a dedicated date night each week. It doesn't matter if we just go to the grocery store, or if we go to the movies, or out to dinner. It has to be just us. We have to get our marriage back into good shape. If we don't, we can't be good parents.
We have actually decided to try ballroom dancing. I'm pumped! We know how to swing dance and that was our special thing that we would go out together and do before all of this IF junk and pregnancies and bedrest. It was SO much fun! We had total trust in each other. We were one out on that dance floor. I SO want that back again. We are going to do some swing I think, but we are also going to try some Tango, Foxtrot, and Waltz. I will let you know how it goes. I want to start classes next week. We will see if it helps us connect again.
Are any of you facing the same issues? What has helped you and your spouse get your intimacy back? Romance? Sex life?
We love these little peanuts to death, and we don't know what we would do without them! We just have to remember that we need to come first. Without each other we don't have much =)
Yes, yes and yes. Its normal. And its important to keep the marriage strong. And clearly you're doing that by just being concerned.
ReplyDeleteAs for looks - you're hot. You were a hot wife. NOW, you're a hot mama! Get yourself a nice PUSH UP bra and a low cut top and see if he can even look you in the eye! Your waist is SHRINKING! But just remember you're the sex machine that got those girls there in the first place (YEP I WENT THERE TOO!) and he loves every curve.
As far as getting intimate. Get the heck over that. Have a glass of wine or turn on a sleep machine or something. I tell myself that being intimate is an important part of marriage. And something that shouldn't be so taboo. Its obviously personal but seriously - if you weren't "doing it" your kiddos would know that something isn't right with mom and dad.
Dates are important. And so is alone time for you. No you can't do a spa day - but you can do a spay half day. You can do a girls lunch. You can go get a pedicure or walk. And you need to. And dad needs his alone time too. And dad needs his alone time with his girlies. Andy and I do date night once a month or so. But we also have cuddle time each night for a tiny while between feeding/pumping/dishes/laundry/burping/diapering/bathing, etc. Sometimes he just gives me a back rub when I pump - or keeps me company and we talk about the day.
If you can afford it - get a housekeeper or neighborhood kid to do the vacuuming, litterboxing, any chore that you can pawn off. There's that saying that a maid is cheaper than a divorce. Obviously you won't divorce!!! But the meaning that a housekeeper and help keep a marriage strong and happy is there and that's worth a lot!
I tell myself A LOT that Adam has to see his parents happy and connected. He also has to see us struggle and succeed. This way he will grow up knowing what a healthy relationship is. Things are sometimes awesome and lovey dovey. Things are sometimes stagnate and boring. And things are sometimes tough and require work.
And a note to Si - because I know he reads this - Its just as much Si's responsibility to make this marriage stronger too. Not just the woman's. Those girls will always look to their dad to see how a man should treat his woman. So, he should be the husband he wants those girls to end up with.
Good grief! There's a lot of words up there! Sorry!!!!
Love you! See you tomorrow!
I'm glad you went there! It IS hard. But you'll soon find a groove and be ok for a bit. Then you'll have to shake it up again!
Sadly, with newborns (especially twins), the marriage kind of HAS to take a back-burner. Take time for one another when you can (even if is just a few minutes of good conversation before falling asleep). It is so hard not to snap at one another when you are so sleep deprived - make sure you apologize often. Ask for help - probably no shortage of people around you who would LOVE an opportunity to get their hands on those cute babies. And it is easy to feel like a dairy cow rather than a sex pot during the first year, too. Luckily, husbands tend not to notice that... they generally just like boobs. :) You DO need alone time. Take it at home - ask for some time away - even if it is just a nap or some TV time with a quick breastfeeding interim. It is hard to give up control, but dads can handle the babies all day!
ReplyDeleteThat seems so long ago for me now, and I can tell you it DOES get better. Sleepless nights become fewer and those little ones become not-so-needy. Want to know a secret? Twins are actually easier than a singleton baby most of the time when they get older. My girls entertain one another for hours on end!
Stopping over from M&M. Glad I did. Your babies are precious.