My Heart Aches. . .

I have two wonderful beautiful precious 4 month old baby girls that I love more than life itself. Between the girlies and my husband and our pugs and kitty I thought that my heart was full (at least for the time being). Then I saw this:

Yes, that is what you think it is. It's a positive pregnancy test. I will stop now by saying that it's no longer positive, then tell you how (well I guess you all know how it happened) so maybe I will just tell you how I figured out that it happened, and how I feel about it.

SO. . .last Monday (not 3 days ago, 10 days ago) I got in the shower as usual at 5:30 AM to get ready for work. I was washing my hair and I noticed that I was kind of nauseous. Strange I thought. Am I just hungry? When was the last time I ate? Since I get up at funky times in the middle of the night to feed the girls or pump it throws my body for a loop and my body thinks that it is morning and that it is time to eat. I thought maybe that was what was going on.

Although, this was a strangely familiar sensation. . .I'd had this feeling a lot when I was pregnant with the girls. . .but I pushed that thought to the back of my mind.

Then last Tuesday we were having dinner, one of my favorite pastas from Whole Foods and chicken scallopini (LOVE!). Yeah, I didn't eat the pasta. At all. It didn't taste good to me. Weird. I love the pasta from Whole Foods. I asked Si if his tasted weird and he told me no. Hmm I thought. . .food aversions. . . but again, I just stuck that in the back of my mind.

Wednesday was a georgeous day in Nebraska and I decided to take the girls for a walk around the block. One of our neighbors is an OB nurse practitioner and just finished breast feeding her son, so I casually asked her if it would be weird for me to feel the need to POAS (pee on a stick). She said absolutely not - that many breastfeeding moms feel the need to take a pregnancy test every couple of weeks or every month just for reassurance that they aren't pregnant since they aren't cycling. Okay I thought. . .that's right. . .I haven't cycled yet. . .there's no way I could be pregnant.

Fast forward to Friday morning. Brianna got up at 4AM to eat so after she was done I decided to just stay up and go ahead and get ready for work. I still had a pregnancy test in my bathroom closet, so I decided to go ahead and take it. . .for reassurance. . .

I very quickly got the positive test shown above.
Holy crap.
That can't be right.
There's just no way.
I'm breastfeeding. TWINS.
They are only 4 months old.
I haven't cycled yet.
I have stage 4 endo.
I only have one tube (on the left).
and my left ovary is my non-dominant ovary.
It took us 6 years of trying and 2 IVF's to get pregnant with the girls.
What are the odds I could be pregnant now? Answer - <0.01%

Not good.

So I call my OB's office the second they open on Friday morning (9 AM) and I leave a message - something along the lines of - hey, it's Megan (after having the girls they know exactly who I am), and you aren't going to believe this BUT. . .I got a positive pregnancy test. What process would you like me to follow now? Previously my progesterone has been low, but I'm breastfeeding now and I think that might affect different levels of hormones and I don't know if I should be on something, but I would appreciate a call back.

8 hours later at 5 PM (after the office was closed for the day), I got a call back from the OB's new PA. She told me to take another/different brand of test over the weekend and if it was still positive to call on Monday and they would have me come in for a beta. WHAT??? REALLY??? MONDAY???

"Why wait?" I inquired. Well apparently thier office has seen an influx of false positive pregnancy tests with FRER (First Response Early Response) over the last month. Okay. Fine. I will test again.

So I did. Saturday morning. Still a line, but definitely getting lighter. By Sunday the line was gone. I called on Monday to let them know that I had gotten another positive test, but I was concerned because the line was getting lighter, and me being the freak of nature that I am in the reproductive department was concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. The last time I had an ectopic my tube tore when my beta numbers were under 50 - nearly unheard of - but that's me - if there is a tiny chance something can happen. . .it will.

So, the normal PA was back on Monday and saw the exchange going on between me and the new PA and called me immediately. She asked if I wanted to come in for a scan and a beta - UM YES! Of course I do! I'm incredibly concerned about an ectopic pregnancy, and would prefer to be checked out just to make sure I'm okay.

So Brianna and I make the trek over to CB to have the PA scan me and do a beta. They did the beta first, then I waited FOREVER for the scan. And what did they see on said scan? Well, two different PA's were doing the scanning and there were two possible sacs in two different areas. The first contender measured in at 5 weeks 0 days and the second contender measured in at 5 weeks 2 days. Now I am in shock and they are starting to get excited. . . I start to get excited too (I apparently had forgotten that my HPT's were no longer positive). They immediately write me scripts for Neevo, Folbee, and Prometrium. Wait a second. NOW they write me scripts??? Oh that's right! I wasn't taking a the prenatal that I needed because my OB REFUSED TO GIVE IT TO ME. . .AFTER he told me that this exact scenario was totally possible and "happens all the time". Uh huh.

Well. . . .my beta came back negative at less than 1(yes I expected a low or even negative number since the tests were getting lighter and were actually negative by the time I was seen) so now the OB's office is telling me that my pregnancy tests gave me false positives, and that the "sac(s)" previously seen on ultrasound were actually blood pockets.

Excuse me? From what? I had TWO D&C's after the girls because there was still crap in my uterus and I wouldn't stop bleeding. My OB did the last D&C ultrasound guided to make sure he got everything out of my uterus. And he has pictures to show that there was NOTHING left over. NO blood, NO sacs, NO anything. Now I am being told that my pregnancy tests were obviously wrong, and the ultrasound findings were blood? Really? I smell something fishy. Maybe someone trying to cover his a$$ since I specifically requested the prenatal I needed to sustain a pregnancy and he REFUSED to give it to me? UGH! I don't know. I'm irritated and I just find it hard to beleive that multiple preganancy tests from multiple lots were somehow "contaminiated" and are handing out false positives. The first test I took was well over a year old from when I was first pregnant with the girls. The test from Saturday was from a different lot that I just bought from Target on Friday afternoon. Yeah, not the same test, and a false positive is beyond not likely.

At this point I'm not bleeding. . .not yet anyway. Which makes sense, since supposedly I was never pregnant. I can tell you - this was my FOURTH pregnancy. I know what it feels like to be pregnant. I also know what it feels like and what it looks like on pregnancy tests when you miscarry.

Sigh. . . cue miscarriage #3. . .

In theory, because I am breastfeeding, my progesterone level should be high enough to keep me from actually miscarrying on my own. Awesome. And since the OB's office is saying now that I was never actually pregnant, they aren't going to do a D&C or anything to clean out my utuerus. UGH.

I thought twice about posting this to my blog because so many freinds and family read this blog and I didn't really want to go public about getting a positive HPT. BUT, when I googled breastfeeding and pregnancy tests and false positive tests there wasn't jack out there for me to read and to compare my story to. Apparently this just doesn't happen. So I felt that I should share my story so others would have something to compare their situation to, should it ever happen again. And if it does, and if you are one of those readers - drop me a line and let me know - I'd love to hear your story.

Now on to how I feel about this whole ordeal. First I was terrified when I saw that BFP on Friday morning. What would Si think? Could we handle it? Emotionally? Finanacially? I mean, how on earth would we be able to properly care for 1 year old mobile twin girlies and a newborn and give everyone the attention they need??? Would our nanny still be able to watch everyone? Would I have enough time leftover to take off work for maternity leave (again)? What if the baby wasn't okay - I mean - I was off of my necessary prenatal for nearly a month?

Then I got excited when I saw Si's eyes light up Friday morning when he exclaimed "maybe it's a boy!". I thought, maybe! How cool would that be!

That turned to a little bit of sadness and relief (I'm being honest here) when the HPT's got lighter. I mean, I didn't want to have to explain to everyone (and you KNOW someone would say something) about how we magically got pregnant on our own when the girls were 4 months old after having to do fertility treatments to get the girls here to start with. I can hear it now - "see, if you would have just relaxed. . ." or "see, you weren't patient enough. . ." you would have gotten pregnant on your own. Grrr...I can feel my blood boiling and no one has even said that yet!

Now, over the last couple of days I have become very sad about the loss of our baby. . .at night when the girlies are asleep and I lay in bed I think about the baby still inside of me that didn't get a chance to develop into their full potential. And I wonder - which way was harder - was it harder for me to m/c when we were desperately trying to get pregnant? During that time finally seeing those two pink lines was such a relief - the excitement was absolutely overwhelming - and such a scare at the same time as I was so terrified that I would lose the pregnancy.

Or is it harder now, now that I know what potential that baby really has? I've been holding my girlies just a little closer the last couple of days. . .that's what these baby (ies) could have become. . .so sad that they didn't get that chance. . .

4 month stats!

I'm a bad bloggy mommy! I told you guys I would update with the girls stats from their 4 month checkup, then I didn't. Sorry! There were other things on my mind (that's for a different post, maybe later tonight).

Anywho. . .the girls are doing "AWESOME" in the words of the pediatrician. They are gaining weight well, meeting developmental milestones, and are sleeping through the night like champs (most days anyway). She couldn't be happier with them!

We were given our second round of shots (BOO), and we screamed like champs. Needless to say we are glad that's done with. Olivia ended up with this big welt on her leg after one of the shots, and I felt horrible for her since it was painful to touch and was red and raised, but the pediatrician wasn't worried about it and it went away after a couple days. No long term scars =).

We were also given the okay to start solid foods at this visit. The pediatrician wants us to start with vegetables first, then fruits, then meats, then cereal. Apparently there is a new study that shows that kids that were started on vegetables and fruits first, instead of cereals (starch), are more likely to choose to eat veggies and fruits over starches as they get a bit older. I would have to say that what the parents offer the kids plays a bigger role in what they actually eat, but hey, who am I to say?

On to my next question for you guys - Am I a horrible mother for not wanting to start solids yet? I just don't want to. I don't think they are ready (or maybe mommy isn't ready?). I think they are doing just peachy on breastmilk, and I'm not in any hurry to give up breastfeeding them. I know, I know, feeding them solids won't make them stop breastfeeding right away, but still, it's a small step to the rest of their lives. . .and they are already growing up entirely too quickly! Hmm. . .perhaps me being greedy? Perhaps. . .but that's my right as their mommy, right?

So with that - here are the girls stats for 4 months =)
Miss Olivia - aka Baby A - 15 lbs 3 oz - 85th %ile for weight, 35th %ile for height
Miss Brianna - aka Baby B - 16 lbs 5 oz - 93rd %ile for weight, 53rd %ile for height (she is 1/2 inch taller than Liv)

As you can tell, these are not small babies. But they sure are cute!!

Have a great day everyone!
Megan

4 months old. . .remember when?

The girlies turned 4 months old yesterday. It's amazing to see how far they have come in just 4 short months. It seems like yesterday they were born and were such tiny little princesses. They are still princesses of course (they are my babies after all - lol), but they are much larger (well over double their birth weight) size 2 diaper and 3-6 month clothes wearing princesses =).

It seems like just yesterday this was me. . . .

And I have to admit, I really miss it. I don't miss not having the girls around, but I absolutely miss feeling them kick inside me, being so excited to meet them and hold them and tell them how much they were loved or how happy we were that they were finally here with us. I didn't have a difficult pregnancy (except in the beginning we had a scare or two, and at the very end with pre-term labor and pre-eclampsia). The time being pregnant was awesome, and I would go back there and do it all over again in a second =). My husband, yeah not so thrilled about that idea, but I think that's probably because after about month 7 I was pretty worthless and couldn't even pick up stuff off the floor. Needless to say he was happy ecstatic when the girls finally came and I could start to resume semi-regular activities. . .

The girls were so little back then. . .

Then it seems that I blinked, and now look at these adorable little peanuts!! No head support needed, wanting to sit up on their own, awake nearly as much as they are asleep, smiling like crazy, cooing, babbling, laughing, teething, sleeping through the night (95% of the time), drooling everywhere, grabbing and playing with things and with each other. . . ahhh, I wouldn't have it any other way. . . everyone should get the chance to experience this. . .
Girls hanging out in the boppy. . .they are starting to look more alike each day. . .dang it! They were so easy to tell apart previously!!

Bri in Jeannie's arms and Liv in the Bumbo chair on the counter (I know, I know, you aren't supposed to put the bumbo's on the counter, but seriously I was right there) =)

Here we are in our little casual dresses. . .yeah, that's the last time you will see Bri in those tights. . . she had a blowout and I couldn't get it out of the tights - LOL.

Here we are in our Valentine's outfits! We don't want to smile, but we are still kind of cute anyway!

And of course a picture of each of the girls alone. . .
This is Bri =)

And this is Liv =)

Happy Valentine's Day, and happy 4 month birthday girls. We love you so much more than words can say.

Hope you had a wonderful day!!
Megan

PS - we have our 4 month check up and shots on Wednesday so I will make sure to update our stats when we're done!

We finally took the plunge. . .

And joined our local multiples club - Omaha Parents of Multiples Club (OPMC).

Last night we drove to the church that the meeting was held at and as soon as we got to the parking lot we knew we were in the right spot. Not a car in sight. And I mean "car" literally. I wish I would have taken a picture of the parking lot. Nothing but a sea of minivans and large SUV's. And of course that makes perfect sense - every person at the meeting had a minimum of 2 kids that were in car seats at the same time - of course they needed bigger vehicles! And speaking of vehicles, we MAY have found our new vehicle, a 2009 Buick Enclave =). If we actually buy it I will give you all a run down of all the cool features and post some pictures. Think the inside and features of a minivan, but on an SUV frame that has 4 wheel drive. SWEET!

Anyway. . .back to the multiples club meeting. . .

So we parked the Escape went inside. Twins and triplets Kids EVERYWHERE! Apparently they had babysitting for the meeting (which is very cool), so you could bring your kiddos if you were so inclined. Interesting.

Then the meeting started - business first - followed by BUNCO - which was a ton of fun if you've never played it. It really mixed up the people at the meeting and made you mingle with people you probably wouldn't have otherwise. Si was the lone male in a sea of female multiple mommas. They were so impressed that he came, but they all admitted that their husbands came to their first meeting with them too. Now they just stay home with the kiddos. LOL. Si is versatile though. He had a great time and thinks that he would like to go along next month too (if I want him to of course). Cool with me! All of the other multiple mommas can be jealous of my super cool committed husband =).

Overall, the meeting wasn't what I expected. Many of the multiples moms had kids that were 5-7 years old, so I was kind of bummed. I was hoping to network with more multiple mommas that were our age, or at least had kids about the same age as the girls. There were only about 20 people in attendance last night though (out of 300 families that belong to the multiples club), so I don't know that the mommas in attendance last night were actually a representative sample of the club. I did meet one very cool multiple momma last night - her name is Kristen and she is the proud momma to 6 month old B/B/G trips. We are going to get together once the weather gets a bit nicer here in Omaha so our girls can play with her kiddos. It should be fun! 2 mommas and 5 infants. . .can you imagine the looks we will get? =)

Overall I'm really glad we joined! I suspect we will find some really great friends through the multiples club, and hopefully the girls will be able to find some great friends too =). (Although no one will beat the Sheila/Megan and Adam/Hollibaugh honey friendships!)

(I just couldn't post without sticking a picture of the girls on here too) =)

Until next time. . .
Megan

Mommy and Me Monday

We are getting SO big! Talking (or cooing) all the time, and we have even started laughing out loud! So sweet! We have started grasping objects and are trying to help mom and dad hold our bottles while we eat. Still no desire to roll over though, even with coaxing. We go back to the pediatrician next Wednesday for our 4 month check up and shots. I can't wait to see what they weigh! They feel so heavy to me!

Have a great night!

Megan

Traveling (flying) with a baby? Insight needed!

Happy Super Bowl Sunday everyone!! We are having a Super Bowl party tonight with lots of food and people, and I'm excited to see everyone=). But that's not the reason for this post. I have a question, and I need your input.

I have a work conference in Orlando next month. Due to flight schedules from Omaha I have to be gone from Thursday until Saturday night (even though the conference is only from noon-5PM on Friday and 8 AM-noon on Saturday). Si and I discussed getting a plane ticket for him and flying everyone (us and the girls) down to Orlando for a mini-vacation of sorts. But the flights are EXPENSIVE, and the babies are really too young to enjoy/remember/know the difference between being at home vs. being in Orlando (at Disney World), which essentially turns this into a question of what is easiest for us.

For those of you that have been following my journey, you know that I breastfeed my girls (or pump and feed them the breast milk). Of course this is a major concern if I have to be out of town and away from the babies for any significant period of time, but overall my concern with being gone without my babies for 3 days is multifaceted.

First, leaving the girls at home. It can be done, but Si dealing with two teething 4 month olds BY HIMSELF for several nights is not going to pan out well (the nanny would be around during the day on the weekdays so it would only be evenings, overnights, and the weekend). I mean sure he can do it, but he will be SO frazzled by the time I would get home. And in all honesty, I wouldn't choose to do it on my own unless I absolutely had to, so I'm thinking that he probably isn't going to have a great time with it. Not to mention that I will be forced to pump for every single feeding (every 3 hours during the day and at least once at night) and won't have ANY exposure to my girlies at all. I bet my milk output goes way down. Boo.

And pumping while traveling??? How the heck am I supposed to do that??? My flight down is over the course of 7 HOURS. No way can I go that long without pumping. So what are my options? Pump in my seat on the plane? Um, not really an option (the pump is loud enough to be obvious and easily detected by the person next to me, besides the fact that I don't really want to bear my breasts for the world to see). Pump in the bathroom on the plane? What, for 30 minutes while none of the other passengers can go to the bathroom (the flights out of Omaha are almost always small planes with only one bathroom)? Yeah, not so much of an option either. On my 50 minute layover between flights? That would be an option, except I have to change planes (and terminals), and the planes start to board 30 minutes before take off. There is no way that I can de-board the plane I am on, change terminals, find a bathroom to pump in and pump for 30 minutes, and still catch my connecting flight. Not going to happen. Sigh.

I woke up this morning at 4 AM (as usual) to pump (the girls are sleeping through the night now, so I have to get up and pump since no one is awake to feed - and it's my biggest pump of the day so I can't skip it!). Anyway, so I woke up this morning VERY upset. I had come to the realization that when I woke up at 4 AM in Orlando (for several days) that there wouldn't be any girls for me to look at or listen to breathe, or hear the tick tock of Brianna's swing as it swings back and forth all night. All I would have in Orlando would be silence. I literally cried while I was pumping this morning, and it took me a good hour after I was done to get back to sleep.

Then it came to me. Why not bring one baby with me to Orlando?! This would solve my breastfeeding problem on the way there (and back), would lessen the load on Si (he could easily take care of one baby - one baby would be a breeze after taking care of two all the time!), and I would still get to be close to one of my babies. Would it be ideal? No. Would it be doable? I think so!

I was so relieved when I came to this realization. However, I've never traveled with a baby before, so I have no idea how big of a pain in the neck it would really be (in fact, all I could think was that traveling with one had to be easier than traveling with two - which was our original plan).

There are only a couple of hours each day that I would be in meetings, so I was thinking that maybe I could see if the hotel had a nanny/babysitter that they could recommend, and worst case scenario there are other work people there with me who maybe would potentially volunteer to watch Bri for 45 minutes or an hour at a time during the conference. . . we could just rotate! I would have to excuse myself from the meeting at some point to go and pump anyway. . .it's just a thought. . .

So what do you think? What would you do? Would you leave the babies at home with Si? Would you take one and leave one? Would you just pay the money to fly Si down there too (with Olivia too of course!)?

How hard is it to fly with a baby? How hard is it to pump and try and bring gallons of breast milk back through security? (okay, so gallons might be an exaggeration, but it probably would be a gallon and a half. . .). Anyone have any experience with this? I'd love to bring Bri with me if possible, and I don't really care that it's extra work. I bring the girls out on my own all the time, and while it is extra work, I refuse to not at like a normal human being doing normal things simply because I have twins. I don't think traveling would be that much different. . .but maybe I'm wrong. Your insight is appreciated!

Besides, how can I go for 3 days without seeing these beautiful little ladies smiling back at me???? =)

Megan

Teething sucks. . . and other thoughts =)

LOL. It's just the beginning of teething for the girlies, but they already hate it, and so does mommy! Their little gums hurt and they just scream and drool and poop and scream and chew and drool and scream some more. I feel so bad for them! We give them Tylenol to try to help with the pain and we hold and rock them like crazy, but it doesn't always work. Bummer. So far their sleep schedule hasn't suffered too much. Maybe going to bed a bit later or getting up a bit earlier, but all in all not bad. We consider ourselves lucky. Then again, we know the worst is still yet to come.

In other news, we LOVE our nanny.

Best decision we made. If you can afford it, go for a nanny over daycare. The nanny comes to your home so you don't have to take your kiddos out, and she can even help with the baby laundry and dishes. LIFESAVER. And the girls absolutely love her. It makes me kind of jealous to be honest. . .they get so excited to see her, which is great! But I don't think they get that excited to see me!

In girls news, the girlies still haven't rolled over. They just have no desire. They just lay on their tummies during tummy time and scream. Because obviously we don't have enough screaming going on in our household already and need more! HA! Of course they thrash around on the blanket and kick their legs and move their heads around, but that's it. That's the extent of their effort. Slackers =). Oh, and they are refusing to smile for the camera anymore. I think they think that the camera is stealing their little souls or something. I get out the camera and they immediately stop talking and smiling and just stare and glare. I hope it's just a phase!

We went and test drove cars on Sunday. Okay, we're not getting a minivan. I didn't like how they drove (They were so slow to accelerate - I felt like I was driving my 4 cylinder Cutlass Sierra from HS!) and I didn't like how I felt behind the wheel. I felt like a soccer mom. And while I may be a soccer mom in 10 years, I'm not now. I don't know, maybe the Highlander commercials have brainwashed me, but I would really prefer an SUV with all of the amenities of a minivan (which ironically the Highlander doesn't have - in my opinion). Of course the only problem with getting this "perfect" SUV is that this is WAY more expensive than a minivan would be. We found a vehicle that is perfect for our needs - a GMC Acadia - SLT2 package. It has 4 wheel drive, captains chair's in the second row and a 3rd row bench seat, a whole host of amenities including the rear hatch release (just like the minivans), DVD player/entertainment system, leather seats, sunroof, auxillary jacks, navigation system, back up camera and sensors, heated seats, the list goes on and on. The coolest feature was that when I was driving it the speed is actually projected up on the windshield. When the turn signal was on, that also projected onto the windshield, as did the volume for the radio. Craziness. To the tune of $30K for a 2008 craziness. Yikes. A Mercedes SUV from the same year is only a couple thousand more. Yikes again. If you look really hard you can find a 2009 for $30K, but they are usually several states away (I know, because Si has made it his mission to find one of these cars in our price range, regardless of it's location). If you drove it though, I think you'd love it as much as I do. I never should have driven it! Now I can't stop thinking about how awesome it would be to have one. . . . higher car payment here I come. . .boo. . .

Oh, AND the TV went out today - talk about MAJOR DRAMA. 5 days before the 9th annual Super Bowl Shindig AND in the middle of a blizzard. Luckily it was only the bulb (it's a DLP rear projection TV). We had just replaced the $200 bulb in July, so we were irritated that we needed to replace it again, but at least we didn't have to replace the whole TV. And the picture is so nice and bright again! =). Crisis averted!

Okay, that's all for now! I wish we could get a break from the snow, but it is Nebraska in the winter, so its to be expected!! Here are the girls sporting their snowflake outfits fron great grandma while it's snowing like crazy outside! Note that they are sitting up. . .they love to sit up now and hate to lay. They are growing up. Sigh. Have a great night!

Megan